Dolphins are big but can’t putt
By DAVE BARRY
I decided to go scout the Miami Dolphins on Monday, to see how they look this year. This is important, because the Dolphins represent South Florida’s manhood, and last season we had the same community testosterone level as the audience for a Barbra Streisand concert. The Dolphins lost 15 games and won only one, which I believe was against Princeton.
So there’s a lot of pressure on them to not suck so much this year. But the preseason news has been troubling, especially the feud between Jason Taylor and the Big Tuna.
Taylor is, of course, the Dolphins’ star lineperson. He’s also considering a career in show business, since he has the kind of chiseled GQ-style looks and big muscles that my wife has repeatedly assured me she does not find attractive.
The Big Tuna is Bill Parcells, who got his nickname from the fact that he breathes through gills and can weigh up to 1,400 pounds. He is the Dolphins’ Executive Vice President of Football Operations, which means he runs the team from a secret underground bunker furnished entirely with game-worn jockstraps. The Tuna is a gruff, old-school football guy. He is very hard-nosed.
Q. How hard-nosed is he?
A. He makes Don Shula look like Barry Manilow.
The Tuna reportedly was unhappy about the fact that Taylor competed this season on Dancing with the Stars, where he finished second to figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi. This in itself shows you how far the Dolphins have fallen since their glory days. There is no way that, say, Larry Csonka would have let that happen. The Zonk would have found a way to beat Kristi, maybe with an ”accidental” forearm to the chops during the rumba competition. Those guys just knew how to win.