Scruggs won’t serve time in Panhandle prison due to fears he will air mail himself out of the country

Question: where’s he gonna go? Cuba? Is the fear that all of a sudden we’ll see Dickie Scruggs wearing fatigues and smoking a cigar on a podium next to Fidel and Raul? Actually, it might solve the question of who is to become Fidel’s successor: with his dough, Scruggs could instantly energize the Cuban economy. With his ego, Scruggs could also instantly fit in as the ruler of a country, and let’s face it, even Scruggs is bound to be an improvement on the Castros. His first act as El Presidente would certainly be to file a massive class action lawsuit in Miami against State Farm, the U.S. Attorney’s Office and Tim Balducci.

Fortunately, prison officials have thought this all through, and have come to the conclusion that while a guy who can fly is a great escape risk — he might walk away from his job hoeing peas and sweet potatoes and steal a plane from a nearby military base, I guess — a guy who can merely ride in a plane, boat or car is no threat at all. I mean, they’ve probably got all kinds of statistics that show the vast majority of people who escape from prisons do so by getting behind the controls of a conveniently parked nearby escape plane. Come to think of it, you ever been to Alcatraz and taken the tour, where they talk about that famous escape by the three guys who were never found? Of course they weren’t found! Everyone was looking for them in the water. Instead, based on this new information, I’m thinking it’s likely they went air mail.

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