JFP’s latest criminal hero du jour and soon to be hip hop mogul has been declared “cutlery challenged” by eyewitnesses at a seen of an improptu neighborhood knife handling demonstration. This is the same, much-maligned neighborhood resistance hero that was visited by Mayor Frank Melton on a crime busting spree. Coincidentally, the crack house resident, convicted drug user and now prospective stabbing assailant will be featured as the Attorney General’s star witness more extensively at a criminal trial featuring Mayor Frank Melton in April. Local firearms expert Cliff “the gun guy” Al-Zarqawi expressed shock and dismay that a firearm was not used in the alleged demonstration. The NRA is planning an expose.

The Pulitzer Prize winning journalists at WAPT are reporting that eyewitnesses claim Mr. Welch’s non-prescription drug habit evidently created some difficulty understanding the nuance of the appropriate context to use cutlery on another human being outside a surgical setting.