While mascots come in ferocious varieties, some truly are better suited to a life of official team sweater-wearing and pep rally fist pumps. In fact, some college mascots can’t really do anything at all save eat, lay in the sun and occasionally elicit excited ahhhhhhs when they defecate on the sacred sod of your field.
With that in mind, here are the 10 most useless mascots in a bar fight:
10. Knightro, UCF
In concept, Knightro’s a born brawler, being both covered in a suit of armor and filled with the kind of bored rage only an upbringing in Orlando can give someone. One problem, though: Knightro has no eyes, no mouth and no ears, meaning he is about as useful in a bar fight as a giant fruit bat covered in Kevlar.
Knightro’s triumph over being completely blind, deaf and dumb, though, is inspiring and should be the topic of a sappy Mitch Albom column shortly. (“The Five Mascots You Meet In Heaven: Available in Bookstores NOW!”)
9. Albert the Alligator, Florida
The last tough guy to wear a sweater was Charles Bronson in Death Wish, and even then he topped it with a nasty, cheap-looking gray sport coat that screamed “I only bought this to cover my huge pecs and tangible, radiant hatred of the world — and my incredibly ripped, criminal-killing pecs.”
Albert wears a sweater in the heat of The Swamp on football Saturdays not because he, like Bronson, lives only to kill disrespectful punks; no, Albert wears it because he is cold-blooded, and if the temperature dips below 75 degrees he gets sleepy, torpid and unable to function. This is not the kind of beast you want holding a sock full of pennies on your side in a bar fight.
You: “Dude, watch the guy on the left.”
Albert: “So … sleepy … could you turn the air-conditioning down in here a bit … (passes out asleep on floor).”
In addition to the temperature problem, Albert appears to be at least 35 pounds overweight, thus getting winded easily and retiring before the fight is over. You know, much like the Florida secondary in 2007.
8. Oski, the Cal Golden Bear
Oski technically is the last of his kind, as the California Golden Bear (Ursus arctos californicus) has been extinct since the 20th century. He is not getting a hangnail in the name of protecting you, and fighting is completely out of the question, sir.
Also, if Oski like the bears at any zoo I’ve ever visited, he will not even raise his head from his day/night-long nap unless he hears the mechanical noise of a coin operated kibble machine going off outside the cage.